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I tend to be a people pleaser. It’s important to me to be liked, recognized as a good person, respected, and generally accepted.

This is not a problem. That is, until my perception picks up on a lack of being liked, being judged, being disrespected, and thinking I’m being shunned. That can then lead to discomfort, sadness, anger, and all kinds of negative thoughts and feelings.

I have read, heard, and been told by various people with a vast degree of wisdom or not that what other people think of me doesn’t truly matter. Frankly, most of the time, they don’t think of me. At least, not unless we’re in a conversation, or they’re maybe reading my blog or a book. Yet, even then, they probably aren’t giving me much thought at all.

Despite hearing this, reading this, and frankly knowing it, I still get irked/annoyed/self-judgmental/distressed when I think I’m being disregarded.

So the question becomes, what do I do about this? How do I let go of needing to be a people pleaser and work on being my authentic self?

It begins by working with and quieting my harshest, most judgmental critic.

That would be me.

I’m my worst critic

I started writing fiction when I was 9 years old. My 50-page illustrated sci-fi novel, Wildfire, will never see the light of day. That’s not for lack of trying, however.

After Wildfire, there were multiple unfinished works. But I kept on writing. Eventually, I finished a couple of novels. Then, after an opportunity presented me with a chance to be published in an anthology, and another after that, I entered the wild world of self-publishing.

One of the biggest challenges of self-publishing is getting seen. There are a lot of books out there, both traditionally and self-published. When you’re a people pleaser, and you aren’t generating the level of sales you think you maybe should be, it’s easy to become critical of yourself.

My biggest, harshest, most unkind critic is myself. If I said some of the things I’ve thought about myself, my work, my work ethic, my choices, and so on, to someone else, I’d probably look like a monster. Which is not so far from the truth.

I was in a fencing tournament this past weekend. My performance in that tournament was, at best, so-so, and at worst, uninspiring.

But that’s me judging me. Then there are some facts about my day to consider. For example, I got zero warm-up time. Because of a dead battery, a smoke alarm woke me at 2am – and I never properly got back to sleep after replacing that battery. I was helping out with something else at the event that got my focus before the tourney.

The above aren’t excuses; they’re factual truths. But my harshest, most critical voice is like, “yeah, yeah, just face it…you’re not all that good, really.”

That guy needs to be dismissed from my life. How do I do that?

Being my authentic self

For a long, long, long time, I’ve done various things to shove my square-peg self into various round holes. I took jobs that were “traditional” 9 to 5 to meet the expectations of family and society, tried to maintain monogamous relationships, and played the clown to be liked. In the end, this left me cranky, unhappy, uncertain, and constantly depressed.

Then I started to focus on conscious reality creation, non-toxic positivity, and applied mindfulness. This would open me to write more, seek new avenues to live on my own terms, and open me to potential and possibilities.

And in the end, it all worked out. No, no, it didn’t. There have been all kinds of obstacles, bumps on the road, detours, challenges, frustrations, and imperfections. However, despite that, the more I’ve been authentic and true to myself, the more content I’ve been.

Content is the keyword here. The pursuit of happiness is all well and good, but happiness is an occasional emotion. Nobody experiences being happy for more than a little here, a time there, and so on.

What we can experience regularly is contentment. That’s not settling for something; it’s feeling okay, in the moment, balanced, and centered. It’s authentic because it’s not forced, it’s not difficult to reach, and it’s not perfectly calm and still; it’s a baseline.

When I pause, reflect on how people-pleasing derails me, and be present here and now – and mindful – this is clear. And the message that’s been screamed at me for years is finally getting through.